Turbulence Borderline Personality Disorder Has Brought Me
Succumbed to one of the most difficult mental illness to treat, Borderline Personality Disorder has brought me in a lot of turbulence in my life. And living with it 24/7 had me face to countless heartbreaking moments. Countless.
I wasn’t aware I have already been inflicted with BPD until last year. In fact, I have been in a non-stop research since 2016 about what’s really going on with myself. I knew I have problems that aren’t solvable with simple talks or having “fun” with a social circle to forget and move on. I knew what I have isn’t simply a drama but a serious case.
A year of studying lead me to the discovery of BPD. It was the most fulfilling moment I experienced for quite some time. It was like a “Eureka” of what I’ve been through for ten years. Unfortunately, the sad thing was I only learned about it shortly after I got married.
Like usual, I got my notes with me and read lots of psychology articles even while working with my online job as a content writer back then and while creating products in my Etsy shop. For more than a year, before I slept, I read every night about it. I made sure I read every detail about BPD without missing something.
First of all, having BPD isn’t easy. It was never an easy life.
And that alone made me realize a lot. Especially the turbulence borderline personality disorder brought and how it affected me, in general.
First of all, having BPD isn’t easy. It was never an easy life. I’ve had lots of downs than my ups although people have been praising me for my good or the best qualities I possess. I was an overachiever at school. Since pre-school to college, I was on top of the game — honorable student with lots of accolades, medals, etc.
There was never a time I didn’t receive honors and A grades. Every school year, I gained more than one medal and certificates from teachers. I graduated with flying colors in kindergarten, primary school, high school, and university.
Yet, I felt empty. All. The. Time.
Yes, I have more than ten kilos of medals — big and small — kept in my drawer. But I didn’t feel proud of what I have achieved. I never felt like the others have. Every single day, I was in constant search of something I don’t know and I felt like I never exist at all. I felt constant emptiness without knowing why.
Every single day, I was in constant search of something I don’t know and I felt like I never exist at all. I felt constant emptiness without knowing why.
There was never a day I didn’t face emotional distress even when I was elected for student council president. I even disclosed having emotional instability to my professor, who supervised the organization back then. Apparently, she didn’t believe any word I said and ranted how irresponsible I was instead.
What’s worse? I was quite manipulative, too.
My lack of self-esteem also challenged the strength of both academic and leadership roles I had. Extreme levels of anxiety every single day paralyzed me from time to time. That anxiety resulted to a series of breakdowns over the years.
Because of my lack of knowledge to BPD, I wasn’t able to put barriers of control with rage, anger, and self-harm. I typically carve words in my skin as if it was a piece of wood, creating cuts in my arms to calm myself down from uncontrollable emotions I have.
I also did an impulsive act of taking lots of iron pills, pressing needles to my skin, punching my torso, the walls until my knuckles grow swollen and bloody. There were also some instances where I threw things in the house or bit my arm to the extent it left scars.
In addition to the self-harming nature, BPD has caused me to create a scene, the riot during the school retreat in college affected the whole activity, simply because of one small “trigger.” The professor unintentionally used a wrong term, which I interpreted as grievous humiliation.
My husband, who missed my message and was unable to reply, experienced senseless drama. To me, it appeared he didn’t care at all or he’s too busy to give a damn for attention. “Who am I to him to deserve his full attention to a worthless woman like I am?” I thought. I love him today, I hate him the next. That behavior wasn’t exclusive to him alone but I did the same thing with family, relatives, and friends.
Furthermore, I never thought of having long-lasting friendship because of distrust. That someday they will betray me and leave me because of my behavior just because they couldn’t understand what I was going through.
When it comes to having someone leaving, I felt extremely anxious just by thinking about it. Last year, my husband was forced to return to Germany because of health issues. Since then, the impact of his absence remained ongoing, causing my weight plummeted as high as ten kilos in a few months.
My motivation to eat was lost and high dosage of uncontrollable, fast-paced thoughts of worthlessness and emptiness attacked at once.
Borderline Personality Disorder might appear dramatic in the eyes of other people. Yet, for me, this is a normal life and acknowledged it as a lonely case.
Borderline Personality Disorder might appear dramatic in the eyes of other people. Yet, for me, this is a normal life and acknowledged it as a lonely case. Besides, it has been my constant companion that I have to deal with … alone.
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Originally published at mecyllgaspary.wordpress.com on June 15, 2018.
